I have long realized that I have a tendency to look haughty and reserved especially when I’m not talking to anyone or when nobody bothers to talk to me. I could appear aloof, snobbish, or even dowager-like at times. So I try to be my friendliest self when interacting with people for the first time (which is not saying much). Although I know I’m very bad at cracking jokes I try anyway. Even if I realize that my sense of humor is a little strange to most I still try to show it just so the people around me can see that I’m not stuck up.
Sad as it may seem, I don’t believe that I’m a naturally friendly person. I’m not the one to approach another and engage them in a conversation. Most of the time, I just sit around and wait for someone to strike up a conversation with me. If no one does so, I just sit in silence.
Being thus, I felt apprehensive with a sprinkling of nervousness when I first walked in the class room last Tuesday, especially when I realized that the people in there had already had the chance to interact with each other the day before (I didn’t make it to the Monday orientation due to reasons I could better explain in another post – it’s a long story!) while I absolutely knew no one.
I get this feeling every time I am about to mingle with a new group of people. I get scared.
Remembering the first day of preschool, I refused to enter the classroom if my aunt (who was my designated nanny during those times) did not come in with me. During the first day of first grade, having seen that my preschool classmates were not my first grade classmates, I almost ran away from the classroom. When I had to transfer to Baguio and study there during high school, it was the same situation on my first day. The same thing happened during my first day in college, my first day of training in my first, second and third jobs. I was always scared to walk into that room filled with faces I saw for the first time.
I felt scared, terrified.
Yes, I usually get over it after a few hours of mingling. I usually forget that I felt that way after having immersed myself in their company for a few days. I pay no mind to how my first day was after having spent a couple of weeks with them but the fact remains that I always fear walking into that room for the first time.
I fear many things. I fear that I won’t be welcome. I fear that I won’t fit in. I fear that they won’t like me. It’s crazy, I know, and I realize that maybe I’m just being paranoid, but that’s the feeling I get and I can’t help it.
Nevertheless, there really is nowhere to go but walk in that room and pray that things will work out fine. It usually does after some time, but it’s always just darn scary the first time.
So in I went, took a cursory glance around the classroom, and thought might as well go on all the way in. After a couple of minutes of staying silent in my seat, I finally braved to ask the girl sitting right beside me some inquiries I had regarding what I needed to do as they may have been given instructions I didn’t know about due to my absence the day before that. Eventually I found myself immersed in a friendly conversation with the rest of the group and thought this isn’t bad at all.
Maybe I just got really lucky that I was assigned to a group of friendly people. Whatever the reason, we all got along just fine and I’m actually enjoying the class. We have fun, get rowdy and crazy and really noisy sometimes, but we’re all just having fun. We’ll all stay together in class for a couple more weeks and I’m sure we’ll continue on having fun together.
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